Dear Diary
by sezzyb
Summary: Harm gives Mac a gift, a diary, its a turbulent time after Paraguay and with Harm not answering her calls Mac struggles to cope.
1. Chapter 1

To Ninja Girl

I was once told writing things down helped, I found it worked so I know you're going through stuff right now and can't always tell me what it is. I just hope this helps.

Stick boy

Hey,

I don't know how this works but a friend once said writing things down would help. I have no idea how anything I write will help but I am currently desperate enough to try. Where to start, so many things have gone wrong I don't know where to start….

My job is so important to me. It's one of the only things on my life that I can feel proud of I serve my country with honour. Sometimes when I feel really low I get out my medals and just remember the good that I have done. That feeling drives me to duty.

Clay came to me with a plan to catch the man who blew up Marines I couldn't refuse how could I? It could be me they attacked or a colleague. How could I live with myself if I didn't? Even if it was Webb the Intel was legit.

His last words were begging me not to go. I shrugged it off I said I would do it. I wish I had listened to him more than anything. This whole thing would have never happened. But then innocent people might have died I still don't know if I did the right thing I guess I will never know.

South America, diamonds a pregnancy suite. It went wrong, really wrong. Every day they came in grabbing one of us Clay insisted it was him every damn time until he was no longer able and I let him hiding behind my fake pregnancy like a coward. Even though it was my fault we were in this whole situation. My Marine training let me down I was petrified just listening to his screams, over and over. I don't know what was worse when he was screaming or the silence after, when he was regaining consciousness waiting for the next round to start, 6 very long days. They shot the couple we were with; missionaries they dragged me out tied me down arms and legs in this shack to a piece of wood covered in Clay's blood. The car battery sat next to the table, there were whips, knifes, and other instruments lying on a table. They wanted to see me dance. He was charging the battery when my rescue came. Harm and Gunny taking on the whole rebel camp. I have never been happier to see them we got Clay out. He was dying we all knew it. I kissed him, gave him a future something worth fighting for to hold on for. A dirty trick but I was desperate not to kill another man who loved me.

We completed the mission in the process crashing an aeroplane, Harm and I landed hard. Apparently he is a good pilot but every time we have flown we seem to have crashed much like our relationship. Just as we seem to be flying we crash back down to earth. We were changing the wheel when he revealed he was married. I hide my shock with jokes was it too late for Harm and I? Maybe it was the head injury or something I hoped. This was Harm after all, he would tell me in his own time. His own pig headed time. It was a relief to know it wasn't true, he'd done it to save me. He had resigned his commission to come and save me and he didn't tell me. That stupid brave heroic man, I asked him why, gave him a wide opening I'd spent the last 2 days hinting to Harm I was ready. He acted jealous we started bickering. I lay it on the line, Harm said he wanted operating instructions, I want a man who can tell me his intentions. Still he didn't answer me.

I wasn't willing to leave anyone behind never but especially not Gunny. That man would do it for me; Clay decided to join me much to my relief. It went south badly and it was my fault, my fault a good man who loved me got tortured, why did my relationships end badly. Eddie, Dalton, Chris, even Mic.

The next day we stood by the cab, and I knew we were never going to work. Harm wasn't ready to commit no matter what he said actions spoke louder than words. Even if he could commit the universe had made it obvious we would fail. Since I had more actively sought a relationship with Harm I had been in 2 car crashes, 2 fierce gun battles, and an aeroplane crash, and had a near miss with a train. If that wasn't a big enough hint, I didn't know what was.


	2. Chapter 2

15th November

Hey Diary,

So we arrived in Washington, I have never been happier to get home. I feel so tired, physically, emotionally I ache, to compound the situation we arrived to JAG to applause. Going into the Admirals office he congratulated me but sent Harm sailing down the river alone. We left the office as soon as we could both going together to see Webb. He wasn't improving the neurologist was really worried. I am too, Webb needs his hands or I don't know what he will do. He isn't like Harm he isn't strong enough to retrain and become better. I worry about him.

Harm left me at the hospital with Webb. He wasn't answering his phone, his email or anytime I went to his address. I can't believe he resigned to save me. I can't believe he didn't tell me. Why would he not have mentioned that? Damn him being stubborn. I just needed to talk to him but he was nowhere to be found. Not that I had a lot of time to track him down, not with catching up on work I had missed, the court martial I was trying and visiting Webb, plus trying to deal with the memories and nightmares on top. Everything is just so overwhelming.

Normally lunch or breakfast with my best friend would help, Harm would be there offering support but this time he wasn't there. It left a gaping hole in my life. I wonder if it was revenge for not helping him through Singers trial, I was ordered to stay away, ordered, the classic defense, it was obvious he was innocent.

16th November

All I can think about today is the Admiral he is acting moody like Harm betrayed him. I can't believe the Admiral was willing to leave me behind, he ordered me to go, I always thought Navy Seals never left anyone behind I feel so betrayed. Why was I the first? What did I do to deserve this?

My feelings of abandonment are always in my mind both parents left me. My dad as early as I remember sure he was there physically but never mentally always too drunk to really be there, my mother when I was 15. To this day I still wonder why. Why wasn't I good enough? Why could she not take me with her? She took the damn dog was I less important?

Now even the Marines are willing to leave me behind. Am I really not worth the risk? Thank god for Gunny if not for him I would have died in some backwater country tortured and alone. That was a scary thought. I always knew death was a possibility but I always thought someone would be looking for me trying to save me. Apparently not!


	3. Chapter 3

17th November

I'm so tired I have nightmares almost every night 2 or 3 each time; I wake up in a cold sweat and shivering. My work is beginning suffering I screwed up big time, luckily the Admiral had my back but I will have to put in a lot of extra hours to try to win the case. If I lose it could affect my whole career and hers as well. It crazy, where has Sarah McKenzie confident lawyer gone why can't I concentrate. Normally Harm has my back we cover for each other when the other is feeling low but not now. Now nobody had my back. Now nobody was coming for me. I was once again alone.

I rang Harm still no answer I think he is ignoring me. My best friend has left while not surprised I'm hurt. Harm promised he would never leave. But like everyone else in my life, they always leave.

18th November

I saw Harm we haven't spoken since he left me at the hospital with Clay not for lack of trying on my part. Clay was congratulating him on becoming CIA. Upset I walked away the man I loved was going to be going on dangerous missions alone. He would be changed become darker, that's if he survives.

19th November

I haven't slept well in over a week, I fell asleep today in the toilet at JAG thank God nobody noticed. In fact I haven't spoken to Harriet or Bud properly since I came back maybe I'll take them for lunch.

Clay came last night he was released from hospital, he was struggling too and it helped to know I wasn't the only one struggling. He was drinking too quite a bit I was so tempted to join him to drink myself to oblivion only the look of disappointment on Harms face stopped me. I was stronger than this. I wasn't going to let them win I was alone but I wasn't going to be drunk and alone.

23rd November

So I haven't updated you in a while, work has been piling up, with Harm gone there is a shortage of senior attorneys, we all had his cases building up. The Admiral was transferring people in but these things took time.

I have also noticed a distinct wall building up between me and the staff. I had no idea why although had heard mutterings people were blaming me for Harm not returning. I couldn't blame them I was guilty; I had driven him away but they couldn't see that it was for his own protection. Even Harriet and Bud stopped popping into the office. I asked them for a coffee or a juice in Harriet's case but they made excuses. My long term friends had left me. I should be used to it by now everyone abandons me, so why does it still hurt so much?

24th November

Clay came over last night again, I didn't get home until 2100 and he was waiting. I know it's wrong to lead him along and I have told him I don't love him, but we need each other, nightmares aren't as bad when you wake up in someone's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

26th November

Today has been the worst day of my life. I don't even know if I can write it down my hands are shaking so much. I guess I'll try start with the beginning.

Clay invited me to meet his mother for thanksgiving. Normally I'd be invited to Harriet's or the Admiral's but both had remained quiet. Harriet seemed to be avoiding me, I know she is having a hard time with the pregnancy but every time I go over to speak to her she either barely says a word or walks off before I can get there. The Admiral was in a foul mood, nobody quite knows why but as chief of staff I get shouted at most days. I don't know what more I can do I get to work at 7am every day after my morning jog I work most days through lunch it's just no fun leaving the office sitting in the canteen gaining stares and whispered comments. I leave the office at 9pm every night, go home eat and fall asleep with Clay if he turns up. Normally drunk, loud and stinking of alcohol but it's better than being alone when the nightmares hit.

I took a pumpkin pudding, store bought but I hoped it was the thought that counted. Porter Webb greeted us Clay had already been drinking. He hugged me as I walked in taking my coat off me.

Dinner was lovely served by waiters it felt slightly awkward too formal compared to what I was used too. After Clayton took me upstairs he was beyond drunk staggering, I helped him to his bedroom. He lay on the bed, I sat next to him trying to soothe him. His bruises are beginning to fade finally but looking carefully you can still see them.

I asked him about his nightmares, wondering if they were the same as mine. He asked me about mine. Deciding to be open I told him everything. How I woke up shaking, the smell, the fear he was going to die because of me, the small part of me that wondered if I had been tortured whether it would be better, least then the nightmares wouldn't be my imagination. I knew it was dumb but Clay lost it. He rolled off the bed standing up. He was shouting about his sacrifice for me how I was ungrateful. I tried to run I tried to fight. He held me down the cuffed me to the bed. All my training deserted me, I tried to fight but couldn't it was like my whole body was made of lead. I should have been safe.

He handcuffed me to the bed before demonstrating some of the finer points Sadik's men had taught him using a Taser. I begged him to stop he didn't, he raped me then fell asleep.

I couldn't move, for 8 hours 11 minutes and 17 seconds I waited, before the door opened.

Porter Webb came in easily picking the locks as soon as I was free she dragged me out of the room. She slammed the door shut before slapping me, telling me I was a slut and to stay away from her son and if I ever told anyone she would make my life hell, before storming off. Naked and with Clay still sleeping in the bed, alone with him again I remember debating just running but I needed clothes. Opening the door I grabbed my dress and my bag I couldn't find my bra or pants anywhere, not without looking and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I dressed in the corridor, I had no shoes, no underwear but I was free. I ran to my car pulling it away from the house.

Safe a few roads away I pulled over, I realised once again I was alone. Harm would normally be my first choice but he wasn't talking to me, neither was Harriet nor Bud. The Admiral was really unapproachable at the moment I think he was having issues with his fiancé. Sturgis was also off the cards, Harm was his best friend and he too was ignoring me whenever possible. The only family I had left was Chloe who at 14 I couldn't burden with something like this and my Uncle Matt who still resided in Leavenworth a monitored phone call or hall wasn't right to discuss this. I realised I was truly alone.

Getting home I dead bolted the door and put the chain on before showering until my skin felt as if it would blister.

Thing is, I drove him to it. I could have offered to be tortured first, I could have eased his suffering, and I shouldn't have asked him to save Gunny. I'm a Marine, I'm brave and can face anything life throws at me at least I was…. Now I just feel like slutty Sarah, maybe dad was right maybe I was good for nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

27th November

I had to go to a clinic today, used a fake name paid in cash, the burns needed dressing. They asked questions I refused to answer. I think they were going to call the police so I left. It's not like they'd believe me. Nobody would.

28th November

Its 0205 am and I can't sleep, again I'm actually in my office at JAG trying to get some work done. It's getting worse, the night guard just brought me a coffee, and I almost killed him sneaking around like that. He is a gunny he has been with Jag for years since before I was here. He came up and just gave me the coffee Marine grade before continuing on.

Its 0610 am I think I fell asleep at my desk, the sound of the cleaner woke me up. I have time to freshen up before I may as well get on with my work. I'd prepped most of my cases, and was now catching up on filing. If Harm came back he'd be shocked you could see my desk as I had nobody to distract me from such tasks.

Same day

Oh God the Admiral I hate that man. I've been assigned to a case defence council a Marine Sargent accused of raping a petty officer. I have my interview with him in 10 minutes I hope he is innocent. I tried to beg off the case but the Admiral wouldn't let me. Sturgis is prosecuting so no friendly faces in Court.

I'm back I've just been vomiting in the toilet. He basically admitted he was guilty not in so many words but I know he is and going to get off. The evidence is weak circumstantial at best, I know I can get him off; I don't want to, I want this bastard to go to jail, to burn in hell.

30th November

I've showered so many times but I can still smell him. Still feel him on my skin. Reading the victims report last night didn't help. Her story strikes a chord but it's in line with what my defendant said. He doesn't deny they had sex, she offered him a ride back he accepted. Back on base he had taken it further, she denies encouraging him.

Things the jurors will pick up on, she was dressed provocatively alone in a bar. She let him buy her a drink; she offered him a lift home. By any standards that's a good night. He invited her in for coffee, and she accepted claiming he ordered her, said she looked tired. That's when the reports diverge.

The thing is she does have bruises but so does he. He claims it was rough but she enjoyed it. The only reason it's in Court is because their CO has a grudge against the Seargent it's a classic he said she said and the prosecution has to prove guilt.

The trial was in 3 weeks it was going to be a long wait I prayed Sturgis pulled a rabbit out a hat somewhere.

17th December

Still not sleeping, the Christmas rushed is upon us, Bud and Harriet have taken leave along with half the office. Cases seemed to have slowed down. I've had an unsurprisingly low amount of offers for Christmas day so I volunteered to work. Someone has to be on call normally we take it in turns but I figured since nobody else wanted it I may as well. I did think about visiting Chloe but her family have flown over to Japan to where her dad is stationed.

21th December

I've not been sleeping, I've not been eating. The case went to court today. It was like a slaughter and I was the butcher. My client got off on all charges, but I managed to talk him out of pressing charges of slander against her. It left a distasteful taste in my mouth especially knowing he was as guilty as hell.

He left with a big grin on his face. The woman was more a girl only 5 years older than Chloe looked at me her face angry, I was packing up my case when she stormed over she slapped me really hard around the face. I didn't expect it and fell hitting the desk. She was shouting calling me a bitch asking me how I could defend such a monster. She warned I was going to get what I deserved before the MPs dragged her out. Stood up my head spinning automatically I sat down again the dizziness overcoming me. It was Sturgis who came to my rescue steading my arm. He asked if I was ok, I nodded rubbing my head, blood was evident.

Suddenly the Admiral was there clearing people away making space. All I knew was I felt sick I bolted pushing everyone away running to the nearest toilet and vomiting.

Someone called an ambulance and the Admiral was in the toilet holding my hair, holding a towel on my head. Then men in green appeared asking lots of questions, I answered them as best I could, before they brought in a stretcher. I wasn't getting carried out, it wasn't the Marine way. Unfortunately, the Admiral ordered me to get on. Glaring at everyone I did.

That's why I'm writing this from the hospital I vomited again in the ambulance and they're worried about a head injury. It meant chaos as I was rushed in the motion making me vomit however they had taken bloods and stitched my head, given me a CT scan decided I had no brain damage. They wanted to keep me in for 24 hours as I had nobody at home to look after me.

I have noticed that while at JAG both Sturgis and the Admiral were concerned and yet nobody volunteered to come with me and I doubted there would be many volunteers. Maybe if somebody stopped by I could ask them until then I was alone again.

A nurse stopped by with pain killers, I took them hoping it would help me to sleep. I guess I'll find out.


	6. Chapter 6

22nd December

I woke up screaming last night, the nurses ran in. I convinced them I was OK, practically ordering them out of my room. I know in the morning they will want me to talk see a psychologist or something which is the last thing I want. Truthfully I just want to forget about everything.

Everything is wrong. They know why I've been vomiting and it's not the head injury I wish it was. I'm pregnant about 4 weeks along. I know the baby is Clay's and I am scared what's going to happen to us when he finds out, which he will. he is a spook, will he try to take it? The doctor asked if he could contact the father, I replied no. She sat down they'd noticed some unusual marks bruises still fading from Clay's attack. I managed to defect the questions citing DIY gone wrong, but I feel like the noose is tightening. The good news is that I'm being released they are mumbling about asking my CO for counseling but so far I've shot that idea down.

All I have to wear is the same blood covered uniform I was brought in wearing. I plan to get a taxi home then to JAG to pick up my car maybe stop in while I'm there complete some paperwork. I know one thing I am not pressing charges against the Petty Officer and will try to make sure nobody else does she has been through enough.

23rd December

I got the charges dropped she'll have to attend counselling but it's better than a court martial. I dropped AJ's present off, Harriet and Bud must have been out. Now I'm back in the office there are a few people milling around but no real work is getting done. The Admiral is with Meredith and has taken a few days off. I'm sitting in his office as acting JAG.

24th December

Clay came to the office today, he knows about the baby. Initially he was thrilled and wanted to get together. I was so scared I wanted to run but froze. I did manage to tell him there was no way in hell he was ever seeing this baby, it was mine and he had no claim to it. He threated to take it away declared me an unfit mother. I cannot let that happen. We both know with my record, drinking, the abusive home, dangerous job, compared to Clay, nice job in the state department, mother who stays at home, money and judges who are likely to be in the CIA's pocket he will get custody

Then he got smug, he was going to get me ordered onto a mission as soon as the baby was born. I knew that with enough pressure the Admiral would consent and I knew I couldn't tell the Admiral why I didn't want to do it. Clay was going to let me have the baby then have me killed on a mission. We both knew it. I had only one choice. My baby could not live with that bastard.

My Service renewal is due next month and I have 6 weeks leave on the books. I'm going to email the Admiral take my leave and quit, take off and run. I don't know where but I'll have to be careful to go where Clay can't find me.

27th December

I rang Harm today, tried to speak to him to say goodbye. He still didn't answer, I left a message telling him I was sorry I couldn't be a better person, couldn't be what he wanted. Then I just started crying, pleading with him to forgive me. I hung up my hands shaking. I didn't dwell too much I have so much to sort out before I leave.

28th December

It took some planning but I gave up my apartment, I handed in my resignation leaving it on the Admirals desk as by the time I sorted everything he had left. I've sold my car it's too traceable bought fake ID from an old contact I once worked a case with. So now I'm on a train going east. I plan to spend the next few days taking trains, buses and hitching trying to not leave a trail before settling down hopefully the New Year will bring new luck.

I arrived at my destination California it was warm, miles away from Washington with very little CIA involvement, I'd been stationed on the Marine base at San Diego briefly but felt familiar with the area. Enough to know there was good schools, low crime stats and a family friendly environment.

7th January

Finding jobs is hard, as is finding affordable rental apartments at present I'm not having much luck with either. Thing is I can't use my lawyer skills as it would make it easy for Clay to track me and I can hardly say I'm running away because I was raped by a spy. It leaves a very low spectrum of jobs where they don't want references or experience and in a city where inexperienced people flock to find acting jobs it makes me finding a job hard. Still I have determination and the rest of my money from my car sale once I have a job I'll at least have enough for the rent.


	7. Chapter 7

18th January

Still no job, I'm running out of rent money, hopefully by then I'll have found a job. Nothing so far. My confidence is starting to slip, I even wonder if I could go back to JAG would they have me? It's amazing how lonely one can feel in a big city. Some days I go out to the shop buy something just so somebody has to talk to me. I'm glad Harm isn't talking to me or nearby he always thinks of me as strong and now I'm anything but.

30th January

My rent has run out. I grabbed my diary and some warm clothes but currently I'm homeless and pregnant. This is a disaster, currently I'm sat in a park it's cold but I only have $20 to my name.

31st January

Last night was rough. A few guys gave me suggestive looks but nobody came close. It did mean I didn't sleep I bedded down under a bridge cardboard and all my clothes, I brought a sleeping bag with the last of my money which kept some of the chill out. This was a disaster. To think just 4 months ago I was a top lawyer prosecuting and defending some of the toughest cases in America, highly regarded, likely to be on track for the first female JAG position. Now I was homeless, pregnant, and practically penniless. It was a disaster and I have no idea what to do next.

2nd February

Wow what a few days. It all started when I went looking for a place to sleep. I heard a scream a woman was getting attacked. I ran over to help pulling off her attacker, knocking him to the floor. The woman ran covering her naked chest. The man stood running at me I used his momentum to flip him knocking him out. Only then did I realise he must be armed and that I was bleeding.

The next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital on a drip with a woman in scrubs looking down on me. She told me my baby was ok and that they'd stitched up my stomach and that I should be fine. I was on a ward with 5 others when 2 people approached me. I recognised them straight away, it should I had seen enough photos of them. Trish and Frank Harms parents! Automatically I wondered if Harm was here if he had found me and worried that if Harm had found me where Webb was.

I said nothing feeling too sick to speak when they thanked me for saving Trish and asked me my name. I lied told them my name was Rachel York, I was so relieved but knew I wouldn't be able to tell them the truth. They asked what they could do to repay me. Instantly I knew what I wanted, new non blood stained clothes. They agreed instantly Frank handing me $100. I tried to refused I didn't need that much, but he insisted. Then he asked if I was a druggie or an alcoholic confused I told the truth, recovering alcoholic, that I had been dry for over 3 years. I expected judgement but instead got a job a cleaner at Chrysler Headquarters. Plus as a bonus Trish had an artist friend who had a spare room and was looking to rent it out. Frank said that Chrysler could give me an advance to cover the first month rent but only if I wanted. I agreed instantly without even hesitating taking the gift for what it was.

They left with Frank promising to pick me up tomorrow to drive me to my new flat.

So here I am about to be employed by Harms stepdad. They say it is a small world and I guess it's true.

4th February

Moved in to my new flat it seems pretty cool, my flatmate and roommate is Paul an aspiring artist. My room is a double with an en-suite it gives me more than enough room to look after a baby in as well. Paul knows I'm pregnant and is so far ok with us living here. Apparently he is out most of the time at his studio day and night whenever the artist vibe takes him. Plus his room is the other side of the lounge so the chances of getting disturbed are slim. It's working out perfectly.

Wow I'm tired who knew cleaning was so much work. I ignored the doctor's advice to take 2 weeks off. It was simple I had to eat and pay the rent and to do that I needed to work. My new boss seems cool, nearing 50 she has a no nonsense attitude that puts some drill sergeants to shame. I was put on hovering and dusting as it seems they are lighter work. Still I'm knackered time to sleep.

12th February

Stitches came out today they were really starting to itch. It means I can do full duties at work, and pick up extra shifts which I am instead of 8 hour days I'm doing 14 hours. The more money I can get together the easier it will be when I get further along.

I find I'm enjoying it, it's different to what I am use to but I quite enjoy the low level of responsibility, no pressure.

I haven't seen Frank or Trish since they dropped me off at the flat. It's better that way less chance of them discovering the truth.


	8. Chapter 8

14th February

Alone on Valentine's day, gah how pathetic, at work I became a flower delivery girl as due to the classified nature of their work they don't allow delivery boys in. I think I was the only woman they're not getting a delivery. So I'm sitting in my bedroom eating out of a tub of ice-cream and even worse I can't afford Ben and Jerrys I have the cheap shop own. It's so depressing it's just not the same.

The trial of the man who attacked Trish is tomorrow I will have to testify and swear in. If I refuse he goes free, if I do I will either commit perjury or let Clay know where I am.

Even now 10 hours from when I have to appear I'm still not ready still undecided. I'm going to talk to the lawyer trying this case see if I can somehow hide my identity there has been cases before when witnesses identity has been concealed usually spies but it won't hurt to request it.

15th February

I'm sitting waiting for the judge he says he will consider my unusual request but he wants to discuss it with me first. I'm nervous and praying he won't say no. The judge agreed I'll have to show my face but in all official records I will be addressed as witness 1. If Clay really wants to find me he still can my name will be recorded in his notes and the Courthouse records but I doubt Clay will be searching Courthouse records for me. It's still a risk but a lot slimmer.

Trish and Frank join me. They are both dressed smartly especially compared to me. I tried to look smart but having only been paid a little I had to settle for a black skirt and white shirt. My hair I wore down and long. Harms parents had only seen me with short hair so I was worried if I wore it up they'd recognise me.

Wow that was tough, Trish went first and came out crying, apparently the cross had been brutal. Then it was my turn. I went in and described the events clearly and crisply. In cross the defending lawyer brought up my defensive skills something which I was hoping to avoid. I told them the truth that I had been a Marine taught to defend myself and others. They left it there any more about my service my heroics would compromise their case further.

The verdict was guilty, he got 5 years which seemed such a low sentence considering he was armed.

What a day I'm so tired the pregnancy book said its normal. I was just glad I could spare somebody else the horror of what I went through.

20th February

Work today was hard I got moved to the offices it means clearing out bins with smelly food remains inside. I spent every 5 minutes in the toilet. What a time for morning sickness to start!

22nd February

Again with the sickness, I'm so exhausted; I've dropped my hours to 12 in order to try get more sleep. I think people at work are getting suspicious about my pregnancy but nobody has said anything. It's not got the sense of family JAG has but that good because I won't get left alone again.

3rd March

Saw Frank today he invited me to his place for lunch and a catch up. I refused I don't want to complicate things it would only take Harm stopping by unexpectedly to ruin everything. Saying that he'd have to care, 15 messages I left on his answer phone only one after the rape. Still I heard nothing before I left. I missed him though so much, more than I thought. I even missed Clay to some extent waking up alone at night, sweaty, scared and alone after more nightmares. I am so pathetic I need to marine up, its time like this I miss the bottle, if I wasn't pregnant I might have slipped but I would never do that to my baby.

My baby is 3 months old! Now on my second trimester. I always wanted to be a mum but never like this, single alone one pay check away from being homeless. I was saving madly to try to take time off when my baby was born not that I had a clue how I was going to manage childcare not until it was old enough to be left alone. Hopefully Chrysler day care would have space I was waiting to hear back from them.

6th March

Damn Frank is persistent every day now he has asked me to come over for lunch I agreed today because I couldn't bare it anymore. People were starting to stare others avoid me or being downright hostile wondering what a mere cleaner has to do with the chief executive. In the end I gave in just for some peace. Saturday for lunch they'll pick me up. Now all I got to do is work out what to wear.

8th March

Waiting for Frank to pick me up mad panic on what to wear, I own a running outfit, my court outfit or my work uniform. Not ideal choices for a lunch out. In the end I browsed charity shops finding a lovely dress that came to below my knee for $9. I brought it glad I now had something to wear. Its pale green, I've also wore my hair up, I figure if they haven't recognised me by now they won't. Only thing I don't like with the dress is it makes it obvious I am pregnant but then most dresses do when your 4 months.

Wow that was hard, Trish and Frank started asking questions about the baby. We ate at their house in La Jolla I can see why Harm likes it there. I was shown around the house even Harm's room, there is a photo of me in there. The Russia one where we are both wearing gypsy outfits. I miss those days so much. I couldn't help myself but slip back there later his planes, photo of his dad, all with Harms scent lingering. Gods I miss him. They were both shocked to find out I was pregnant when I saved Trish. I'm glad Clay doesn't know if he found out it would only support his case to declare me an unfit mother. Trish has announced herself as an unofficial grandmother I didn't really have a choice and by proxy Frank a grandfather. I tried to fight against it but now I know where Harm gets his stubbornness from. She started looking at baby furniture that I could never afford and even took photos of me and bump. I have one here which I will stick in. Baby this is you in my tummy I can't wait to meet you.

10th March

My baby fluttered today. It was only a flutter but I felt it. It was magical unreal I think it has brought home that I'm actually carrying a little person inside me. My baby my little girl or boy, I can't believe I have a little life in me. Wow I'm going to be a mom. One thing is for certain I will never leave my baby ever.

14th March

Happy Birthday Harm I sent him a card, I know it was a weak attempt at preserving our friendship and he probably hasn't noticed I am gone but I just had to I can't explain. Webb might find me from it although I tried to use precautions travelling over 50 miles by greyhound to post it. I also posted little AJ's and Jimmy's cards and something for the new baby I still don't know if it's a girl or a boy but I can't ring and find out it would be too easy to trace. It's crazy how much she moves all the time now I can feel her summersaulting and moving I love it.

25th March

According to my baby book my baby can hear now I've started talking to bump and playing music sometimes it kicks in time with the music my little dancer. Work is easier now, I'm not only use to it but I can set a fast pace, it's back breaking work most of the time with no thanks but it pays and has lots of extra hours. I got the day care place from 3 months. I think I can just afford to take that much time off. I'll have to there is no other choice. Time to save up even more work even more shifts back to 14 hour days.

25th April

I haven't updated this much recently what with balancing work and sleep. So tired most of the time the book says this is normal. I'm now 5 months or 26 weeks gone. Apparently baby is 9 inches long it seems so small. I got a crib today a girl at work gave it to me with some baby clothes. She used it for all of her children she has 4, I love it, its white and has a little mobile with sheep and bunnies on hanging down that plays a melody. I'm so grateful I think I scared her by hugging her tightly. I was so worried about it. Now I just need nappies lots of them.

2nd June

Oh baby you're so big now. Pressing on my lungs, making so tired and I had Braxton hicks this week too. It gave the office I was working in a right scared when I started groaning. Luckily I had read it was a possibility but it hurt as bad as any period. I hope I can manage labour and get to the local Christen centre that provides free health care but seriously baby ease up on mummies lungs now.

Had cravings today and if I didn't know better I'd think this babies was Harm's. Lettuce who craves lettuce! I brought 4 bags and just sat and ate them I don't even like it that much only on top of a greasy burger.

3rd June

Was working in an office today when I caught sight of a legal document, it was wrong leaving the company wide open, Frank had been so kind to me I knew I had to do something so I left a post it on it highlighting the problem and citing the solution. If it's wrong they'll ignore it, however even though cooperate law isn't my area but I know I'm not wrong. I just hope they don't know it's me it will raise questions that I have no answer to.


	9. Chapter 9

5th June

I was called into Frank's office today, I knew it wasn't a friendly visit when I saw multiple suits sitting around a table. 5 men including Frank and 2 women all looking very serious. In short they wanted to warn me that reading confidential documents was illegal. They asked if I was corporate spy which I denied they agreed as a spy wouldn't have indicated the mistake. Then they told me I wasn't going to be a cleaner instead a proof reader for legal documents before there signed. I accepted not really having a choice I needed money desperately and it came with a pay rise, maternity leave and health package that I couldn't refuse.

10th June

Today it hit me I'm the same size as I was with my pregnancy suit. I was working and caught sight of myself in the glass. It brought back so many memories I think I had a flashback. Luckily nobody was around to notice. Sadik and Clay the things of my nightmares haunting me in the day I just wanted to forget about it.

Trish came to visit me today at work in my office. She brought lots of stuff for the baby, tried to talk me into taking maternity leave. It was a good idea, my feet would thank me my ankles are like balloons all the time and they ache. I don't think they hurt this bad in Marine boot camp! I tried to explain that I couldn't afford to just yet but she basically kidnapped me from work taking me to buy stuff for the baby. I did get another photo from it I look so huge. I live in the bath now, really even as I write this I'm in the bath I swear it's the only thing that relives the back ache. How am I going to survive the next few months! I'm so glad I now work behind a desk and can stick my feet up all the time.

18th June

I'm reluctantly in hospital now; finally I admitted I needed to see a doctor. To say he wasn't impressed was an understatement with my endometriosis I should have gone earlier. I saw my baby for the first time a little girl, she is beautiful so pretty. I can't tell you how much I cried. I have pre-eclampsia apparently I saw spots at work and hit the floor. 30 weeks and they could deliver but while I remain healthy they are trying to keep baby in for a little longer. It means I probably won't go to term and will be on bed rest until I give birth. Apparently the next 2 weeks are crucial for brain and lung development so they want to keep baby in until I'm at least 32 weeks but would like 34, I'm aiming for 36 weeks. With nothing to do and I mean nothing I'm thinking of names. If you were a boy it would be easy Matthew but a girl is harder. I consider Matilda but it's so old fashioned. It's not like I will name you after your grandmothers either of them. I did think about naming you after my grandmother Zarrin but I think you should have your own name not someone else's. Something that reflects your heritage it's a good job I have time to think about it.

19th June

Trish visited today with a baby book, we sat discussing names. She told me about her son Harm. I acted surprised stating it was an unusual name. She told me all about him gushing like any mother would. Turns out he hasn't visited for a while, but she speaks to him on the phone although recently he has been more distracted. I wanted to ask if he spoke about me, or if he was looking but I knew I couldn't. He is so close but so far away. I miss him.

20th June

Baby stop kicking please. It's so uncomfortable now I can't lie down, can't stand up, all the pillows in the hospital and I can't get in the right position. It's driving me mad

28st June

I had a bath today my blood pressure lowered enough to let me get up and get in. Best thing ever I swear. It's hard to write in the journal at the moment nothing is happening, I sleep, I eat, I ache, that is it. So boring to live even worse to write about.

30th June

A shrink came today the nurses are worried about my nightmares. I didn't speak to him, perhaps it was rude but half of my nightmares are classified the others would get my baby taken away. He left but gave me his number to ring if I wanted to talk.

6th July

I'm on the run again. Clay found me; I don't know how I guess he was looking through all hospital records for people of my age with my gestation. Still that must be thousands, he knows about my endometriosis though so maybe that limited it or I don't know. Luckily I saw him entering as I was being taken on my bed for a scan. He was heading for my room. I let the trolley get so far before making a waddle for it. Luckily in some ways Harms mom was outside. In desperation I climbed into her car ordering her to drive for it. She did and I escaped now holed up in their house. I'm currently in the bedroom next to Harm's. I know there waiting for an explanation I risked both myself and the baby but I had to.

I have to try to keep calm and not stressed hard when you're being hunted. I'll tell Frank and Trish as much as I can before I leave I owe them that much.


	10. Chapter 10

8th July

I'm back on the road again, I have to be I borrowed a headscarf from Trish and am traveling as a Muslim woman with my skin tone and Farsi I can get away with it. Before I left I told them the baby's father was hunting me, I made them promise secrecy, Frank gave me some money calling it my salary what was left. Then he drove me to the bus station. I got on the first possible bus, then another then another hence why I am currently heading to Texas. Hot and humid just like I was use to growing up. I wonder how everyone at JAG is and Harm. I hope he visits his parents soon I left my dog tags under his pillow as a sign I am ok.

9th July

I arrived in Texas, man is it hot and so humid. This time I know I can't work, can't survive on my own so I checked into a shelter for abused women. It would hopefully let me stay under the radar for a bit. At the desk they were very kind checking me into a room, before I got there they gave me a hot meal something I hadn't had since I left Frank and Trish's. As part of my cover I pretended to only speak a little English. While I don't like lying to them I hope I can give Clay the slip.

Then I had the medical, turns out one of the volunteers at the centre is a nurse. With me being obviously pregnant they asked her to have a look at me.

She spoke in English her manner flawless and kind I felt instantly like I could trust Betty. She started photographing my wounds from the cut I had on my knee that I got when I was 10 from dads broken beer bottle to the Taser marks Clay had inflicted 7 months ago that still lined my stomach and upper thighs. Taking my blood pressure she smiled nervously before signalling she was going. While I waiting I got redressed guessing it was still high, damn I was just hoping they wouldn't make me go to hospital. She returned saying Doctor and pointing at my stomach. I shook my head I didn't want to go back it would make it too easy for Clay to trace me.

The door opened again 2 women came in one was clearly a doctor by the stethoscope around her neck the other a translator. She asked how far along I was and if I had any check-ups I lied told her no. Told her no hospitals I wasn't going to go. She tried to reassure me but I knew I couldn't go they didn't make me I protested lots Clay would definitely find me if I went. They were worried about the stress levels I would experience if they did so they reluctantly let me stay.

So now I am lying in bed in a shelter people checking on me regularly. I hear the whispered conversations they don't think I hear. Torture, gunshot, long term abuse, they wonder if I'm an illegal immigrant or not either way they won't make me do anything until the baby is born the stress could be so great.

12th July

Oh God why is the world so small. Teresa Coulter is here volunteering; I knew she volunteered after the abuse her mother suffered from her father but why in the whole of Texas why this shelter? I said nothing as she came in not making eye contact. I don't think she recognised me she didn't say anything if she did but this was no longer the safe place I hoped it was. I needed to leave before she came back it wasn't going to be today I know that. My blood pressure is sky high and I can't get out of bed without feeling sick and dizzy. If I leave now I put myself and my baby at risk. To think I'm supposed to stay away from stress.

I have no idea where I will go next, red rock is calling to get away from everyone but Clay will be watching it closely. Maybe I should go back to Washington fight him try to take custody even as I write it I know it will be a futile battle.

13th July

Teresa came back today. She did recognise me but isn't sure if I am undercover or not. She visited stating that if I needed help all I had to do was ask if not she would stay clear. I asked about Harm if she had heard from him recently she also has heard nothing. I nodded as someone else came in, Teresa patted my hands leavings. It was such I relief, I could stay for the moment.

The doctor also came to visit me today gave me an ultrasound, although nobody could translate she told the centre worker the baby was healthy I looked about 8 months she estimated which was good because if needed to I could deliver.

It was a relief to know my baby was healthy if nothing else that is what mattered. I tried to ask in Farsi what was going on, acting every part the scared mother.

15th July

Getting pains in my stomach think its Braxton hicks. Gosh if these hurt this bad what is it going to be like giving birth? I'm not able to write in here much anymore the staff at the hostel check up on me constantly and it seems there taking shifts sitting with me while I appreciate the thought after so long on my own I miss my solitude.

18th July

What a difficult few days! The translator came back started asking questions. I told her lies it being safer than the truth I was born in this country and lived with my Iranian Grandma, I wasn't allowed to go school as my place was at home making it nice for my father. I told her I was raped and the father was hunting me and my family had disowned me for getting pregnant but not by my husband if I went back I could be the victim on an honour killing. She sympathised and most importantly believed me.


	11. Chapter 11

25th July

It's a girl, a beautiful girl, my little girl she came so slowly 49 hours in labour. She is so small but cute beyond words. Even as I sit in NICU and hold her hand with my finger I adore her. It was all worth it that is for sure. There is no way I will let Clay hurt her. My little Aiyana Soraya McKenzie, it means flowering princess, which is exactly what she is my princess.

The doctors say she is perfectly healthy even 6 weeks early. She needs to stay in incubator to keep warm but should be out in a week if she puts on weight fast enough. 4lbs of joy is lying there. The shelter has donated some clothing and the hospital has given me a bottle and other items. I sit in the chair with Ana in my arms and it feels right. I know this is risky, Clay will be keeping an eye on babies born I'm hoping the middle eastern names given will confuse him enough for me to move on. I know Ana and I are condemned to a life of running but it's the best I can do maybe one day you'll read this maybe one day you'll understand.

30th July

Ana is home with me now. She is like me sleeps really well, we wake at 2300, 0200, and 0500 for feeds but otherwise sleeps and wow what a hungry baby guess she got the marine appetite too.

3rd August

I saw Harm today and I'm on the run again. Confused? So am I. I was using the sling the shelter had provided and taking Ana for a short walk when I saw Harm. Initially I panicked if he had found me then where was Clay? Even now I have no idea what's happened. He told me to give the baby to him he needed to take it to its rightful parents and that I needed help. He tried to come nearer but I wouldn't let him choosing to run instead luckily a bus was leaving and I climbed on. I told him to talk to his mum hoping she would talk some sense into him. I still can't believe Harm is on Clay's side and why would I need help. It makes no sense. I know what I have to do ring Harriet it's been a while but if anyone can help me make sense of this it's her.

That bastard that rat bastard I hate him so much. As far as I can work out Clay has told everyone in falls church that I'm suffering a mental breakdown because of Paraguay and not only that but that I've abducted a child worst of it everyone believes it. I can't believe it and it makes my position harder. If he has told the police the whole country could soon be looking for me. I need to find somewhere to lay low.

So I'm on a bus again travelling who knows where I just jumped on the first one available. At the rest rooms I swap onto a different one, I wish I knew where to go next, somewhere safe.

Dear Frank and Trisha,

I am so sorry for the lies I told you. The good news is I had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, Aiyana Soraya McKenzie, weighing 6oz. I would love you both to be Godparents still you were so kind to me a stranger. Truth is although we never met my real name is Sarah McKenzie I was Harm's partner is JAG before he left. He left to save my life and I was too caught up to thank him properly. I believe it was fate that bought you into my life, having lost everything I was sleeping rough. I am just happy I saved Trish from the trauma I went through a few months prior. I was raped, and the man who hurt me is now trying to kill me and take my baby. Hence why I am on the run. It sounds like such a bad lifetime movie I just wish it was fiction.

Thank you again for taking a chance on me

Rachel York/ Sarah McKenzie

I will send it at the next post box. They deserve to know the truth. I know they won't believe me; some days it feels like I don't believe myself. If it wasn't for Ana I would have properly given up. She was my guiding light, she was the reason I would never give up.

Getting off the bus at the truck stop I checked the timetable. Where to go that is the question? It's ridiculous we can't keep running we needed our lives back. I think I have a plan to prove Clay a liar. It's going to require a lot of favours firstly I need a big city we need to blend.

4th August

What a day, were in Charlotte now. Today sent off and DNA test, thank you Teresa Coulter, I'm getting the results to a civilian lawyer, along with my fake name in Texas and in Washington so she can request the medical files. If nothing else it will give me some rights to Ana. I'm so glad I did all that pro bona work for her, if she gets me Ana I've agreed to do a lot more. She has agreed to work it for free and file a restraining order on Clay, and serve him with papers that would give me sole custody of Ana. I know he will fight but at least if we make it legal I have a chance especially if I can catch him in a web of lies. I've decided to press charges, rape and grievous bodily harm. I've asked Sandra Cook my lawyer to ask Harm and his parents to testify. I've asked her to send the DNA results in case Harm needs more convincing. It will go towards character of the witness. Hopefully I can prove that Clay abused me and has been terrorising me across the country since. It's going to be hard to prove but Ana is worth it. Ana needs a stable home, Ana needs to grow up safe. I'm her mother I need to provide for her.

I guess now I just have to wait 3 weeks for the DNA test. I found another shelter I checked in under another false name, lied about Ana's age and gender, currently we are Maria and Paulo from Mexico. As long as nobody sees under the diaper were good. It should buy us some space, we just need 3 weeks.

17th August

I rang Sandra today, the restraining order was approved. Trish and Frank agreed to testify, they saw me pregnant. They saw me in fear for my life. Harm hasn't replied, I just hope he talks to his parents and sees that Clay was lying. If Harm can testify in court, saying Clay became unhinged it would be another feather in my bow. The court date has been set 1st August. I need to get to Washington without Clay finding us, otherwise I know he will disappear with her. I need a plan, and a good one only 2 weeks to go.


	12. Chapter 12

21st August

Sandra has good news my hospital report has arrived. It proves I was attacked, she also found a waiter who will testify that I was at the thanksgiving meal the day prior. They took photos, proving I was tied down for a prolonged period of time. Clay has pleaded innocent, Porter is going I know she will be on Clay's side. My evidence will be key, I'm so scared, if it wasn't for Ana I wouldn't be going back. She deserves a normal life. She deserves to be safe. I can't make it safe for her with Clay still out there.

28th August

We're travelling up to Washington hiding in the cab of a lorry. It's less than ideal but necessary. Ana is being a dream really quiet. We need to stay out of sight of cameras Clay could have facial recognition running. Trouble is in a city like Washington it's going to be tricky. I have few friends left all will be watched it's time to call in a few favours. I just hope he is home. He is someone Clay would never think of; I barely know him personally but I know his sense of duty won't allow him not to help.

29th August

Made it to our new home, we are staying with Jethro Gibbs from NCIS. He has a strong protective streak and we've worked together several times. I've helped with legal advice on a few of his cases. Even after he nearly crucified Harm I know he'd do anything to protect Marines and Naval personal. He took us in no problems. Clay won't think of him we should be safe. Gibbs will protect us. I've told him everything as much as I can. About the mission going wrong, the isolation, the rape and being on the run. He was angry. Furious even but he promised to protect us and get us to court safely. I trust him, he is a marine in the truest sense of the word. Only 3 days until the trial.

30th August

One day until the trial. Gibbs had to go out but he sent Kate a kick ass agent to protect us. She use to protect the president so I figure she knows her stuff. He isn't saying anything but I have a feeling he is digging up dirt on Clay least I hope he is. I will need every advantage I can get. I just wish I could see Harm before the trial explain everything. I wonder who will be there the Admiral is going to be a witness. I wish I could have told him but I was scared I still am but as long as I protect my baby that's all that matters.

Gibbs brought a friend home, Ducky, it's great to see him again. Apparently they've been talking to Harm who has been gathering evidence from the CIA, they want to see Clay out. Gibbs reckons they have enough for rape and assault but need to prove I am psychologically sound with no PTSD otherwise custody of Ana might go to Porter.

Gibbs took Ana into the basement we sat in the lounge. I told Ducky everything for a man I had never met he is actually really easy to confide in. I have no idea what his assessment of my psychological state it's for the court to decide. I'm so nervous.

31stAugust

Gibbs went to work again today this time McGee came over. Kate came by later with outfits for court, I'd totally forgot about it, I settled for a beige suit, she even brought new adorable baby clothes for Ana and some toys. It was so thoughtful I cried. I think I scared her, but Ana had nothing new before it was all old clothes donated to me by the shelters.

Gibbs came back early with the rest of his team. It was funny watching McGee try to hold Ana I think Tony was even worst. Ducky, Gibbs, Kate and Abby were naturals. Ducky and Gibbs took me to one side, they explained they had some things on Clay that would make my case winnable but it might cost me my career. I actually laughed at that, Ana was always going to be my priority.

It feels better, to know I have friends, to know my case is winnable.

1st September

I'm sitting outside the court, Ana is with Tony and McGee, Abby and Kate at the NCIS headquarters. So far it's our lawyers going through opening statements. Clay and his mother are here, thankfully Gibbs, Ducky, Trish and Frank are here, they even came early to show their support. I missed them so much and they told me that they'd accepted the God Parents position. Harm was with them. We stood awkwardly at first neither sure how to approach each other. Then we hugged. He called me his marine told me he'd missed me. I told him I'd missed my stick boy too. It was just like old times. He gave me my dog tags back and asked if I could ever forgive him, I said yes. How could I not he'd given up everything to rescue me. Harm said not to worry that he'd been helping with my case, that it was in the bag. He even shook hands with Gibbs, I thought they hated each other, turns out Harm was looking for evidence to help my case as was Gibbs, they agreed to put the past behind them and work together.

Then the Admiral turned up he hugged me too. Told me I was as stubborn as Harm I know he is annoyed I didn't go to him for help but how could I? He was ignoring me!

Harm is testifying first, I think they might have called him in. Then the Admiral, Next is Catherine from the CIA, then Trish, then Frank, the Teresa Coulter, I'm next after that followed by Ducky. They want to build up how scared I was, how Clay was controlling, violent how he was spiralling out of control and how his mother and some members of the 'state department' tried to cover it up.

It's going to be a long trial.

End of day one and my lawyer thinks it's going well. Trish and Frank are taking me out to dinner with Harm, Ana and Gibbs. My self-appointed body guard. Neither of us trusted Clay enough to think he wouldn't try something.

It was fun, to forget about the trial to see Frank and Trish again, they loved Ana. They brought some bits for her a few outfits. I know when this is all over they will spoil her rotten. Then there was Harm. I thought it would be awkward, it was. With Gibbs, Frank and Trish there neither of us could say what we wanted or needed to. I have to say though there is still a spark there and he already adores Ana. We agreed to meet tomorrow. He is one of my best friends, but still I'm really nervous. After what happened will be believe me, will he still want to be best friends after?


	13. Chapter 13

2nd September

Day 2 of the trial is over. We won. I still can't believe it Ana is mine, Clay is going to jail the jury convicted him for rape after Harm convinced their maid to testify. She heard them plotting against me, how Clay and Porter stalked me across the country, how the next morning she had gone in, found the remainder of my clothes and the blood on the bed. She had taken photos on her phone and begun recording conversations between them. Her conscience not letting her ignore her. Everyone in the court room was swayed. The defence railed all it could but nothing beat her testimony. Porter got offered a plea deal, at her age jail is not an option but she got a suspended sentence and a restraining order against me and Ana. It is the best outcome I hadn't even dared to dream of.

I thought I would feel happy, excited but I just felt exhausted bone achingly tired. After thanking everyone I begged Gibbs to drive us home, well to his. I have no home, I have little money, but what I do have is my beautiful baby girl and that's what is most important. The next few days promise to be eventful, the Admiral asked me to go to JAG 9am tomorrow, then Harm wanted to meet and Harriet as well as Trish and Frank. The only one I'm looking forwards to is Trish and Frank, the others, I'm not sure what they want. When I needed them they weren't there. Can I forgive that? Is that what they even want?

3rd September

Well it's been one hell of a day, 2 jobs offers and 3 apologies. I guess I should start at the beginning. Gibbs kindly dropped me outside JAG before he went to work. Ana was strapped to me, I hoped nobody would mind but I still trust nobody with her. Harm was waiting outside, wearing his dress whites. Confusing as I thought he was still CIA. Turns out he got sacked from the CIA, the Admiral heard and with me gone was in desperate need for a senior attorney. Also scandal hit the office when it was discovered Caroline Immes never passed the bar. All of her cases needed a review. We chatted about the cases I had tried with her until reaching the bull pen. I'll admit it I was nervous. Harm took my hand as the lift doors opened. Gunny was the first face to greet us, I was relieved to see a friendly. Future Marine he asked, I nodded, of course, crossing the bull pen, I saw a few faces avoiding eye contact. This was nothing new, I had suffered it for months before.

It was 9am exactly when I knocked on the Admirals door, I entered on command. I sat in the chair, wondering why I was here and why even when he wasn't my CO I felt like I was visiting the principal's office. He started off my apologising, saying he should have never stopped Harm, that he hadn't meant to leave me behind that he was trying to get recon Marines in and the Sec Nav had explicatively ordered him not to allow Rabb to go. Then he apologised for not making me go to counselling on my return, and not noticing something was wrong. Then he asked if I could forgive him. Of course I said yes, we all make mistakes, and although his had hurt me deeply, he was family. I introduced him to Ana, he had a cuddle before she became fussy, so I began nursing. We caught up on each other's lives. Meredith had been dumped, and there was nobody on his dating scene, I was dating anyone, Tiner is in law school his yeoman is Coates. I Then it was business again, did I want to re-join the Marines. It was a question I had pondered before; Ana now was the most important thing in my life. So I asked him about being a single mom at JAG. How it would work with child care. He answered all my questions patiently. I think something in him has changed, he seems older now, with less fight. I asked for time, if I do re-join it has to be for the right reasons. He gave me a few days to think about it.

Harm was waiting for me outside, he took Ana off me the moment I saw him, he is really besotted. Ana seems to like him too, well she doesn't cry when he holds her.

Harriet and Bud were next. It was hard, even now I'm not sure what to think. A year ago they were my best friends but when I needed friends they weren't there. We went for an early lunch they both apologised, I admit I enjoyed seeing them squirm but then remembered if I fell out with them I'd never see AJ, or Jimmy. I knew I would never fully trust them, forgive yes forget never. We ended with the promise of a barbeque that weekend to reunite the JAG family.

Afterwards I met with Harm's parents, this one I was actually looking forwards too. We went for coffee, Frank offered me my job back, I asked for time to think about it. Trish took a million photos, to be fair I know why Ana is gorgeous and I haven't got any photos of her yet. Afterwards Trish took me shopping again, that woman loves to shop, I do too normally but I haven't got access to my accounts yet. I managed to refuse most of the things for me, but she keeps playing the Godmother card for Ana. My child will be spoilt.

Post coffee and shopping I managed to get to the bank to try to get access to my savings. It would take a few days, I arranged for the stuff to be sent to Harm's address.

Harm picked me up inviting us to dinner at his flat, I agreed. It had been too long since I spent time with my best friend. I left a message at Gibbs saying I would be late home.

Things I love about Harm he cooks amazingly I missed home cooked meals over the last few months. He is a great sounding board, together we made a list of the pros and cons of different jobs. He also offered me use of the apartment next door as his tenants had just moved out, it was perfect, 2 bedrooms, lounge, kitchen, Harm controlled the rent, we could move in straight away and just pay once I had access to my accounts again and it was partially furnished. I bit his hand off. It was perfect, I'm planning to move in tomorrow. I'm back at Gibbs house now, he is still out on a case. Ana has been bathed and fed is fast asleep.

Life is slowly returning to normal.


	14. Chapter 14

6th September

What a whirlwind few days, I accepted a job, and not either of the two offered, my lawyer for the case offered me work with military families, the money isn't fantastic but the work is and the hours are flexible. I've signed up with the Marine reserves, problem is I need to prioritise, I can't be a good mother to Ana from sea or a warzone. I think everyone was a little disappointed but it's what I had to do and actually I'm looking forwards to doing more family law.

I moved into the flat right next to Harm. Harm, Trish and Frank have helped me decorate and as I finally have access to my bank account I can actually buy things for myself. Frank took me to Chrysler and I got a great deal on a new car. So I have independence now.

The biggest news is I have a date, tonight, Trish and Frank have demanded babysitting rights whilst Harm takes me out. I can't believe it. We've spent a lot of time together, at the barbeque moving in and it feels right. I think we have both grown up a lot. Absence has made the heart grow fonder.

We sat for ages last night hashing out issues. I got to know answers to my questions, for example why had he believe Clay. Now I can see it his way. I left suddenly after acting weird, next thing Harm knows I'm in hospital running away with a baby, those were the facts. Clay had carefully created a web of lies around me, and everyone had brought into it, only when I told him to speak to his parents did he believe Clay was lying. That's when he started investigating the case himself. Anyway the date I'm so nervous I have no idea what to wear. I don't own that many clothes to begin with but I know who to call.

Wow I'm exhausted, Trish loves to shop, and I mean loves to shop. We got so much stuff and not just for the date. Although I did treat myself to a new wardrobe, make up and essentials. As well as getting more practical stuff like a high chair, push chair and baby gear. Anyway everything is unpacked, Trish and Frank are already here, doting on Ana, they brought her some story books that make noises, she smiles when the lights flash its adorable.

7th September

The date was amazing, I know I love Harm I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want him to be Ana's dad, but we have to take it one step at a time. This is Harm and Sarah getting to know each other. We had the barbeque today I'm going with Harm officially dating.

The barbeque was lovely, AJ and Jimmy are gorgeous and have decided Ana is their cousin. The Admiral made himself official Grandpa knowing that Ana had no grandparents. He dotes on her. Sturgis asked about the Christening I asked if he could speak to his father. He agreed.

Harriet and Bud said hello, I spent time talking to them, and Coates. It was strange being back like nothing had changed yet knowing everything had.

12th September

I am shattered, Ana is keeping me up at night and I've started work, at the moment Ana is coming in with me too work, she sit in her crib in the corner, mostly sleeping, but I haven't started with clients yet, I'm mostly reviewing case information. Working full time after a few months off is exhausting. Every night I meet with Harm for tea, mostly at mine as Ana's stuff is there. Trish and Frank had to go back home. My plan for the few days is to find a nanny. Ana is 7 weeks old and even though I have access to my savings they've taken a battering. Still Harm's been there for me, every step of the way. We are going on another proper date tomorrow; Grandma AJ is babysitting. He is another of the few people I actually trust with her.

13th September

The date went perfectly, we even stayed out longer this time and I only called AJ twice before he ordered me not to call again. Even though I wasn't a marine it felt natural to obey orders and I did manage to relax. Harm is the perfect gentleman and such a good dad with Ana.

15th September

Back at work, Sandra has said Ana can stay in the office for now, if I have a client meeting our receptionist can take her. I have no idea why she is so nice, Sandra says it's because she is getting an experienced lawyer on the cheap and adds to the family values they try to promote. I guess that could be true but I like the work. It's rewarding. My first client is a Master Chief who wants visitation with his kids, his ex-wife is saying his military lifestyle is badly affecting the kids. It should be easy to get visitation.

20th September

Harm surprised me last night, flowers, candle lit apartment, home cooked dinner. As I got in he took Ana off me pointing me towards the bath. As I had a relaxing bath he put Ana to bed. Then it was just us. We sat on the sofa, his arm around me, and began kissing. Harm is a good kisser. It made my toes curl. He is patient too. I'm not ready for more, kissing and cuddling is pretty good though.

22nd September

I've started Counselling sessions, it was Harm's idea, he has been going as a service personal I get free session. If Harm can do it I can too. Now I've stopped running the nightmares are coming back, maybe because I can finally relax enough to let myself sleep properly.

10th October

This year is flying I just spent the weekend at Harms Grammies, Sarah she is lovely and dotes on Ana, I think she just got herself a grandma. For her age she is rather spritely and gave me tips to keep Harm in his place. Ana is now able to smile, she recognises me and Harm. She is beautiful big blue eyes that are slowly darkening, Olive skin that makes her look like she has a healthy tan and a happy nature. She can roll over now and is learning to Marine crawl along the floor. She starts nursery in just 2 weeks' time. Just for 3 hours a day, it's the same one a lot of military personal use, Harriet recommended it. I'm going to miss her even if it is just for a few hours. Sturgis spoke to his dad, were getting Christened next month. Its difficult, Trish and Frank bowed out from being Godparents demanding to be grandparents instead. Now I need to find new Godparents. I agreed especially as Harm said he didn't want Ana being any different to the rest of our children. Our children. He wants our children, a little boy, Harms looks my brains, he'd be perfect. I've been speaking to the therapist Commander Mc Cool and we've been working through my many issues. Abandonment, trust, fears. Its hard work and leaves me exhausted. It does mean I've made progress, tonight I've persuaded Bud and Harriet to babysit overnight and I'm going to seduce Harm. I have everything ready I even used my first pay check to stop at Victoria secrets and pick up something special. Harm is in for the night of his life.

11th October

Last night was the best night of my life. I was able to intimate with Harm and he proposed in bed. He even had a ring he got from Grams. We are going to get married. Now it's my turn to arrange a surprise I've got the paperwork for Harm to officially adopt Ana and I'm going to change her surname to Rabb, Aiyana Soraya Rabb. Its going to be a surprise. We've arranged the Christening, Harm helped me pick the Godparents. Bud, Harriet and Sturgis. They are good role models and Sturgis is perfect for instructing anyone on Christianity. I'm getting married to my sailor. Mrs Harmon Rabb, Sarah Rabb, this is perfect. My life is perfect.

Hello Diary,

Harmon Rabb here. Sarah gave this to me to read and wow it's made me love her even more. She is the strongest person I know. Our perfect little girl Ana is nearly 2 now, and our little boy, Matthew Harmon Rabb is almost 6 months. Our life's are perfect.


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